


The First To Go

by brightephemera



Series: Leif Surana [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Darkspawn, Deep Roads, Gen, Leadership, Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightephemera/pseuds/brightephemera
Summary: Leif tries to handle the death of a Warden who had believed in her. Loghain has counsel, albeit not of the comforting kind. (Setting: First Deep Roads expedition after Original Campaign)
Relationships: Female Surana & Male Grey Warden, Loghain Mac Tir & Female Surana, Loghain Mac Tir & Warden
Series: Leif Surana [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954573
Kudos: 2





	The First To Go

The Grey Warden expedition to the Deep Roads was an initiation, and a preventive measure, and, for one, an ending.

“A man under my command died,” said Leif. “He trusted me to bring the fight where it was needed.” She looked up from her perch at the dwarf-short bed’s edge, not understanding her own words. “And he died.”

Loghain’s plate armor gave him the stature of a mountain, lit hellishly by the intense lamp, stifling in the inn’s small room. “Blood is the currency of war,” he said. “A strike against the enemy never comes for free.”

“Do you believe that?”

“I can’t very well exist in this reality without acknowledging it.”

“All my friends lived through the Blight.”

“Luck.” He didn’t sound like he believed that. “Divine intervention, maybe.” And he definitely didn’t believe that. “Or a knack for not getting too close to your most vulnerable allies in the first place.”

Leif’s gorge rose. She fought it back. “How can you say that?”

“Did you befriend Bhelen’s enforcers? Did you sit down to chat with Witherfang’s pack? Beings died in the Battle of Denerim. You were just selective about your friends on the field.”

“That isn’t true.”

“I didn’t say it was unwise. I might have done better against you had I done the same. But now? Against the darkspawn in their own tunnels? I do not think your charm will work over everyone you brought.”

“What was I supposed to do, stay home? I’m a Grey Warden. I can’t just sit on the surface perfecting my fireball and trading tales of the old days.”

“I am aware of that. This is a war, and if you have any concept of your own role in this world, it’s your war.”

And other people paid. “I wish it didn’t have to be one.”

“There comes a time when even war is preferable to the status quo. I’ve lived in such a time. So now do you. Bregel lived like a comrade, fought like a man, and died like a Warden.” Disgust or frustration seeped into his tone. “I can’t make you feel good about this. I could recite the number of darkspawn we have—”

“Don’t.” It wouldn’t bring Bregel back.

“Very well. Though, a commander should keep count.”

“That’s enough life lesson. Please go.” She pressed her palms over her eyes. The dying screams of the Warden who had trusted her, followed her, believed in her, rattled through her head. She looked up before Loghain reached the door. “If I asked you to take this…”

He froze. His pitiless blue eyes seemed to glitter in the lamplight. His face was totally impassive until his voice came, deep and sure. “I can.”

To let it off her hands. To step away from the dead Wardens, the bitter fruits of her labors. To offer up the responsibility and the burden. To give it all to the man who would take it with all the scope and sensitivity of a war hound.

They would win, wouldn’t they? Just don’t ask the cost. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t know that cost. It was that he would pay it.

This moment was not one for weakness or indecision, not under his eye. “No. I have to handle this.”

“You have my support,” he said, possibly sincerely. Was he still ready to sabotage his commanders? Or were they really in this together? Would he bother teaching a woman he meant to remove?

She had to be so strong it didn’t matter. “When you deal with this, with him. With the ones who fall. Do you care?”

“We live in a world where what is necessary may coincide with what is unpleasant. Enjoyment doesn’t enter into it.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

He scowled. “We both need rest. Tomorrow we risk our lives and those of our subordinates as Wardens again, and we do so because it’s worth the doing. If you ever stop believing that, I will be here.” He studied her. “But you won’t stop. It isn’t in you to stop. I knew that from the first time I stabbed you and you refused to fall.”

“Which is why we work together,” she said slowly. She stood, not that that made much difference. “Rest well, Loghain.”

“Then good night.” He saluted, fist to breast, and left.

Yes. This was her life. And the lives of her friends, for good or ill. Mostly for ill, but what else could she do? She sat down hard as soon as he left. She started turning over her memories of Bregel, who had been a Grey Warden and a hero. A commander should keep count.


End file.
